


There's no place I can be since I found Serenity

by insanity_by_proxy



Series: In which I am the Force, and I do as I Will [4]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Everybody Lives, Existential Crisis, F/M, Firefly References, Fix-It, Fluff, Found Family, Some Plot, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Transient Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-03-07
Packaged: 2018-09-30 06:12:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10155866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insanity_by_proxy/pseuds/insanity_by_proxy
Summary: “Today was a good day.”A pause.“… Jyn, you gotshot.” Cassian says, matter-of-factly.With the end of the galactic civil war Jyn has an existential crisis about her place in the universe. So she buys a ship called Serenity, struggles with how to ask her friends (but mostly Cassian) to run away with her, and then contemplates found family and happiness after getting shot in the leg. Written for the prompt "Serenity" for rebelcaptainprompts over on Tumblr.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is what I did this week instead of writing the next chapter of On the Long Way Down... I blame rebelcaptainprompts.

 “There’s no place I can be  
  Since I found Serenity  
  You can’t take the Sky from me”

\- Joss Whedon, The Ballad of Serenity

 

 

8 ABY, outskirts of Mos Eisley, Tatooine

Jyn stares up at the sky, taking in the multitude of stars that were visible this far outside of town. Everything Jyn had ever heard about Tatooine claimed that it was nothing more than a dump, a place you only went to refuel or get cheap replacement parts. It was a desert wasteland, formerly under Imperial control, but even then it was really the Hutts that ran the place. Be that as it may, Jyn can’t deny that the view of the stars on Tatooine is lovely, the dry atmosphere making it so that even the faintest pin-prick of distant light was visible. The sunset too had been spectacular; the dying light of the twin suns painting the desert sands shades of orange, gold, and fuchsia. Besides, no place that had raised the galaxy’s brightest star, Luke Skywalker, could be _all_ bad.

The crew formerly known as Rogue One had landed on Tatooine a few days earlier, looking to sell a cargo-hold full of speeder engines that Baze had won in a card game at a bar on one of the asteroid bazaars near Corellia. It was supposed to be a simple operation; land, find a buyer, negotiate selling price, move the goods off the ship, get paid, leave. But like so many of her crew’s adventures, things didn’t go according to plan. The buyer decided to double-cross them, thinking that he could take the goods without paying, and a scuffle had broken out. Jyn and Cassian had found themselves pinned down behind the crates of the very cargo they had been negotiating over, when Baze finally ran in, gun literally blazing, and saved their skin, but not before Jyn had taken a blaster bolt to the leg for her trouble.

In the end, they got paid; Baze had the foresight not to kill their buyer, just his bodyguards. And they limped away with their heads held high.

Jyn sighed, a feeling of deep contentment washing over her. Something that she thought she’d lost with the end of the war. As much as it shamed Jyn to admit, she had mourned the end of the civil war that had torn the galaxy apart. She had found a sense of belonging with the Rebellion, surrounded by her friends and by people who actually gave a damn whether or not she made it back from a mission. She had found a home, something that she never thought she’d get to have. When the war ended, and the Rebellion began to morph into the military branch of the New Republic that it was now, Jyn honestly believed that she had lost that sense of contentment and belonging for good, that she would be abandoned and discarded much like she had been before she got caught up with the Rebels. Jyn had never been happier to be wrong.

 

* * *

 

6 ABY, Rebel Base, Planet 5251977

The galaxy had gotten a whole lot smaller since the end of the war… Jyn was fairly certain that the only other person who understood this in the same way that she did was Han, a fellow (former) petty criminal. Everyone else was too caught up in the glory of the restoration of the Republic to see what this tentative peace would mean. Peace meant more resources turned towards enforcing laws -- meant fewer places to hide for smugglers and thieves… Jyn’s sky had gotten a whole lot more crowded since the peace accords had been signed.

She also couldn’t help but feel like she was moments away from being pushed out of the Rebellion. Jyn was a messy creature, someone made of too many shadows and secrets and dark deeds for the institution that the Rebellion was becoming. Jyn might be a war-hero, but the military branch of the New Republic was no place for someone like her who thrived on bringing chaos rather than order. She had been a perfect instrument for the purposes of the Rebellion, someone who could strike fear and confusion into the heart of the Empire with a well-placed explosion or two. But now the Rebellion was becoming the Republic, and therefore becoming the force that brought law and order to the galaxy; the last thing they needed was a rebel. The Rebellion had outgrown her; it was no longer her home that was abundantly clear. But then again, it was never really the _Rebellion_ that was Jyn’s home so much as the people that happened to make it up.

Jyn first realized that she would soon be overstaying her welcome when she found _Draven_ of all people boarding a ship bound for some distant planet she’d never been to. She and Draven had never gotten on, but they had at least come to a point of mutual respect for each other. Jyn respected that Draven was the one who made the hard decisions when they needed to be made, even if they were the kinds of decisions that would make people wonder whether he had a moral compass at all. Jyn may not _like_ that, but she could at the very least respect it. Draven, in turn, learned to respect that Jyn was a frightfully effective operative, she got results even if her methods did not strictly follow protocol. She disobeyed orders and was impossible to control, but she often saved lives in doing so.

“Going somewhere warm, General?” Jyn called out when she noticed Draven speaking to an aide near a ship that was about to take off, and a bag slung across his shoulder. She asked more out of curiosity, rather than any sort of friendliness, she didn’t think she’d ever seen Draven go on assignment before.

“Lieutenant Erso.” Draven greeted her. “Somewhere warm, indeed; I’m going home.”

Jyn was taken-aback by this, he was the last person that she would have expected to send in his retirement papers after the end of the war. Draven lived and breathed espionage, and the idea of him doing _anything_ else seemed impossible to her. She had thought he’d surely be one of the officers to carry on with the Alliance as it was integrated into the Republic. “Does Cassian know?” She asked, and Draven just gave her a rueful smile.

“Yes, Major Andor was informed. He was even offered my position at my recommendation…”

The news is like a punch in the gut, Cassian hadn’t said anything to her about being offered a promotion, but Jyn managed to control her reaction in time: merely exhaling a soft, “Oh.” 

Though he had never officially acknowledged the nature of the relationship between his two best operatives, Draven was certainly aware that Jyn and Cassian spent most of their free time together, as well as their nights despite the fact that they had separate bunks. The only indication he had ever made to suggest he knew about the arrangement had been to take them aside briefly and say that ‘fraternization between officers is not strictly forbidden, but it is frowned upon,’ before dismissing them both. Jyn had fretted over this encounter for days before Cassian finally explained that it was Draven’s way of saying that; so long as they were careful, and didn’t jeopardize their missions, he was fine with it. As such, the smirk that Draven gave her now was far too amused for him to be thinking about anything else.

“No need to fret, Erso.” He said, “Major Andor declined the offer. After that mission to Scarif he’s been reluctant to leave your little team even for a moment. I believe he felt that the rank of ‘General’ would likely separate him from the rest of Rogue One. I’ll admit, I was disappointed to know that he would not be replacing me, but I also did not expect another outcome.”

If Jyn were a less selfish person she would feel bad that Cassian had, apparently, turned down a well-deserved promotion for the sake of their team. But Jyn couldn’t help but feel a warm-glow in her chest at the notion that he had done just that.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Sir.” Jyn said, diplomatically.

Draven regarded her, skeptically. “I’m sure you are.”

After saying a brief goodbye, Jyn was about to walk off again when Draven called out to her once more. The engines of the ship were beginning to turn at this point, and so he had to shout over them to be heard.

“A piece of advice, Lieutenant Erso;” he said, “If you really want to stick together, it’s time to take your team and go. It won’t be long before they separate you. And if they start accepting positions within the Republic, you won’t get them back. So I’d advise that you get to them first…”

With a nod, Jyn accepted the words, seeing the wisdom in them. The council had never fully approved of Rogue One, seeing them as unpredictable and impossible to manage; Draven had been no exception, and they had tried to split the team up on multiple occasions. It was only through sheer force of will that Rogue One had managed to stay together, but now with the war ending, and the natural progression of their partnership ending… It would only make sense that given the chance, they would all go their separate ways.

This made Cassian’s refusal of the promotion all the more significant. She and Cassian had never truly spoken about what their plans would be for after the war. Whether they would stay together, or if this _thing_ between them would end when the war ended. Most of the time, talking about the future had seemed too much like impossible dreams, or had been too painful to even think of when either one of them could die the next day. Even as the war had drawn to a close their _arrangement_ did not seem to be winding down, but things had been so busy that there was simply no time to talk about it… It was almost common knowledge by this point that there was, at least, _something_ going on between Major Andor and Lieutenant Erso, but even after almost five years together they had never quite gotten around to putting a label on what they were. They had never gotten around to deciding if this was something they wanted to stay together for even after the war that had brought them together ended.

Jyn was suddenly struck with nerves as she watched Draven’s ship take off. If it was only a matter of time before she no longer had a home within the Rebellion, where could she go? What would she do? But more importantly, what would happen to her little family? The Rebellion had given her purpose for the past five years -- had given her direction, and a concrete goal towards which to put her efforts. But at the end of the day, it was her team that kept her going, that kept her fighting, and kept her sane. Jyn was certain that she could survive outside of the Rebellion, but losing her team would cast her adrift in a way that she had hoped she never would be again.

 _I need a plan._ Jyn thought as she finally turned away from the hangar and started off towards her quarters to find Cassian.

 

* * *

 

6 ABY, Rebel Base, Planet 5251977

Jyn didn’t end up speaking to Cassian about what she’d learned from Draven. In the end, she backed out at the last minute. She would never admit to it, but if Jyn were to be honest with herself, she would have to say that she was scared of what Cassian might choose – or _not_ choose – if she asked him about his plans for the future. So instead she put the conversation off for another day and bought a ship.

With the war drawing to a close the Rebellion was selling off some of their older model spaceships that were no longer of practical use, but were still in flying condition. Which is how Jyn was able to acquire a Firefly-class transport vessel on the cheap.

There had been flashier models in the lot that Jyn could have chosen instead; she was a war-hero, and the man in charge of pawning off the old ships seemed eager to make sure that she left his lot pleased with her purchase. The man actively tried to steer her away from the old Firefly, more interested in selling her a more current model of the U-wing, but there was just something about _that_ ship that kept drawing her eye. In a way, it reminded her of Rogue One’s first clunky Imperial cargo ship, which they had stolen off of Eadu. A ship which they had lost on the beaches of Scarif, but which had forged Rogue One into the team that had stuck together for the next five years.

“What’s this one called?” Jyn asked, as she circled it for the third time. Jyn hadn’t come to the lot with any particular class of ship or model in mind, and so she was left making her decision off of their aesthetic appeal and their names. _You could tell a lot about a ship by its name…_ Jyn thought.

“Er… Well, her last pilot called her ‘Serenity.’” The sales-man said. “But Lieutenant Erso, are you _sure_ you want this one?”

Jyn turned back to the man and gave him one of her rare, genuine smiles. “Yes,” she said, “I’m sure.” The name had been the thing that sold her on it. Serenity was just what she was looking for.

Thus Jyn bought a ship. She still didn’t have a plan, but she had a ship, and that was a start…

 

* * *

 

6 ABY, Rebel Base, Planet 5251977

She ended up asking Bodhi first, for the simple reason that she knew without a doubt what his answer would be. He too had found a home with the Rebellion, and good pilots would always be useful to any organization. But Bodhi’s loyalty had always been to their team first, and so if she told him she was leaving, she could count on him to follow along.

“I bought a ship.” She told him over a cup of caf one morning in the canteen.

“Oh, yeah?” Bodhi replied, interest piqued. He turned towards her more fully, his dark eyes wide and sparkling, but waited for her to speak.

Jyn nodded, and took another sip of the hot, bitter liquid to buy herself time in order to come up with the words. “I don’t know what you were planning to do with yourself now that the war's over, but… there’s no place for me in the Rebellion anymore. It’s all getting too… bureaucratic for me. So I’m taking off; I’ve got a ship, but I need a crew… I need a _pilot_... if you’re interested?” She shrugged, feigning nonchalance -- pretending that her heart wasn’t lodged in her throat as she waited for his answer.

But at the sight of one of Bodhi’s brightest grins, Jyn couldn’t help but smile back.

“Of _course,_ I’m interested!” He said. “Who else is coming?”

“I haven’t asked anyone else yet.” Jyn admitted.

“ _Really?_ ” At the sour look on Jyn’s face, Bodhi rushed to cover his tracks. “Don’t get me wrong! I’m _flattered_ that I’m the first person you asked. I’m just surprised is all! I would have thought that, surely, Cassian…” Bodhi trailed off meaningfully. “You _are_ going to ask Cassian, aren’t you?”

Jyn shrugged again. “Hadn’t really thought that far ahead, to be honest.”

This time Bodhi gave _her_ the sour look. “Bantha-shit!” He spat. “I know the both of you well enough by now to know that you don’t leave each other behind.” Jyn ducked her head, suddenly feeling quite silly for trying to fool Bodhi the way she would a stranger. “You’re afraid that he’ll say ‘no.’” Bodhi said, giving voice to her fears before she could even apologize.

“Cassian is his own person,” she said, bravely. “He can do what he wants.”

“Jyn, what Cassian _wants_ is to be with you…”

The fear that she’d felt every time she considered asking Cassian to join her welled up in her gut again. “You don’t know that, Bodhi.” She said, softly, her voice full of pain.

“I do, though.” He insisted. “Just… promise me you’ll ask him, yeah?”

With a sigh, Jyn nodded. She knew that she would eventually. That had never been the problem. She’d never be able to leave in good faith without at least inviting Cassian to come with her. But that didn’t make the asking of it any easier. “I promise.”

Bodhi nodded back, apparently satisfied with her answer. “So tell me about this ship you bought.” He said, the excitement returning to his eyes.

That excitement died the moment he actually saw Serenity.  

 

* * *

 

6 ABY, Rebel Base, Planet 5251977

Baze and Chirrut were next. Though the conversation happened before Jyn could even figure out how she wanted to approach them. They approached her as she was packing up training blasters to be shipped to the new Republican army-training facilities on Hosnian Prime. Chirrut came to stand directly in front of her, as he was wont to do when he thought that he must make sure she couldn’t escape, and Baze stood a little distance off towards the door of the storage room, effectively blocking her exit.

“You’re leaving.” Chirrut said, his tone not quite accusatory, but close.

“Bodhi told you, then?” Jyn guessed.

“He didn’t have to.” Baze replied.

“The Force has been moving restlessly around you for weeks now...” Chirrut explained, and Jyn grimaced at that. It figured that Chirrut would be able to sense the shape of her thoughts. Ever since buying Serenity with the backlog of credits the Rebellion owed her, her head had been buzzing with ideas; where to go, what to do, and so on. Bodhi had signed on as her pilot, but it would also be good to have a mechanic on board, and probably a droid or two. Not to mention, somehow convincing the rest of Rogue One to come along. Apparently for Baze and Chirrut it didn’t take much convincing at all.

“We’re coming with you.” Chirrut said sternly, as if expecting her to protest.

Happiness welled in Jyn’s chest at the words, and she could feel the faint burning of tears in her eyes before she pushed the feeling down. With a smile, Jyn took Chirrut’s hands in her own and squeezed tightly. “I would _love_ to have both of you with me.” She said.

“We go where you go, little sister” Baze said, placing one hand on her shoulder fondly, having crossed the distance between the door and where they now stood.

“We wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” Chirrut said, smiling.

“Bodhi is coming too?” Baze asked, and Jyn nodded. “Is there anyone else?”

“Not yet.” She replied.

“You’re afraid to ask Major Andor…” Chirrut said, cutting to the heart of things with the directness she had come to expect from the monk. “There is no need for you to be, little star.”

Jyn sighed, she had been thinking about how to ask Cassian ever since Draven put the idea of leaving into her head. But she was no closer to a decision than she had been before. Fear was exactly the trouble. They had shared a bed for five years, and just as many years of dangerous missions meant that Jyn knew Cassian about as well as she could ever hope to know another living being. But still, they had never spoken about the future, or even about what they truly _were_ to each other. Sure, Jyn knew that Cassian cared for her deeply, that he enjoyed her company, and that he found her attractive, but did he want to stay with her now that the goal that had bound them together had been achieved? The answer to that question terrified Jyn, and now it was bordering on too late…

“The Alliance still needs good men, I’d hate to deprive them of one as good as Cassian.” Jyn said, trying to explain why she couldn’t find the courage to even ask him.

“That’s true.” Chirrut conceded. “But does the Major not deserve the chance to make the decision for himself?”

Jyn’s façade crumbled for a moment. “But what if he says no?”

Baze guffawed in a way that made it sound like that was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard. “Then he’s a bigger fool than I took him for.”

Chirrut merely chuckled. “Then you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that the Alliance has a loyal soldier serving it… but he won’t say no.”

As the three of them walked towards the mess hall for dinner, and Jyn reaffirmed to herself that she would ask Cassian soon.

 

* * *

 

6 ABY, Rebel Base, Planet 5251977

In the end, Cassian got to her first with a barely contained rage burning behind his eyes as he cornered her in their room and demanded to know whether or not Jyn was planning on leaving without telling him.

“Bodhi told me something interesting today, which both Chirrut and Baze confirmed.” Cassian said, in as calm a manner as he could manage at the time, given the circumstances. Jyn had been brushing her teeth before bed and she paused at the tone in his voice.

“Did they?” she asked innocently, spitting into the sink and preparing herself for the row that would undoubtedly follow. Jyn was already regretting not asking Cassian sooner, now she’d clearly hurt him in the process.

“They told me you’ve bought a ship, and that you’ve asked them to be your crew…”

Jyn stepped into the main part of the bunk and took in Cassian sitting at the edge of the bed, looking a little bit lost, and more than a little furious.

“Were you even planning on telling me? Or were you just going to disappear into thin air?”

To her credit, Jyn didn’t flinch in the face of his anger. “Of _course_ I was going to tell you.” She said, meeting his eyes so that he knew it wasn’t a lie.

Cassian clearly had not expected this answer, and so his angry expression faltered a little before returning, this time frustrated with her for defying his expectations. “When?!” Cassian exclaimed, rising to his feet. “You’re cutting it a bit close!”

“I know, _I’m sorry._ ” Jyn said. This wasn’t how she wanted to have this conversation. She wanted to ask him when the time felt right, but that time had never come and so now they were here, and he was furious with her, thinking that she planned on abandoning him when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Jyn knew that she’d messed up, but she was still scared. The fact that he still might say ‘no’ after everything they’d been through together… But now that Bodhi had let the cat out of the bag, there was nothing left for it, it was now or never. “I just didn’t know how to tell you… The Rebellion means so much to you, I --”

Cassian’s face twisted like she’d shot him with her blaster. “So, that’s it? You can really just walk away from everything we’ve been through together, like it was nothing?” He advanced towards her as he spoke and there was so much pain and anger in Cassian’s eyes that Jyn took a step back.

 “What are you talking about?” Jyn cried in confusion, but as she thought back over her words her mistake became clear, “Cassian, I want you to come with me!” She clarified.

This was enough to shock Cassian dumb, and his eyes scanned her face restlessly as he tried to put the pieces together. “But you said—“

“ _I said_ that didn’t know how to tell you that I wanted to leave. _I said_ that I know how much the Rebellion means to you. What I _should_ have said was that I also don’t know how to ask you to come with me… I was scared.” Jyn admitted. “I didn’t want to make you choose between me and the Rebellion, because I don’t know which one you’ll choose… I spoke to Draven before he left, and he told me that if I wanted to keep Rogue One together, we’d need to leave. The New Republic doesn’t need us as a team, they’d need our separate skills, and they wouldn’t hesitate to separate us.”

As she spoke Cassian’s posture relaxed, and his face cleared, leaving him looking exasperated and tired rather than angry. Jyn took this as a good sign and decided to ask a question that had been burning in the back of her mind since speaking with Draven.

“Draven also told me something else…” she began, “He said that you turned down a promotion when he left; that he had recommended you for his position and that you said no.”

Cassian nodded. “I did.”

“Why?”

“You know why.” Cassian insisted.

Jyn shook her head. “That’s just it; I don’t.”

With a sigh, Cassian took a few more steps towards Jyn, effectively closing the distance between them. “I turned it down because I wanted to stay with our team… because I wanted to stay close to you.” She could tell this was just as hard for him to admit as it had been for her to ask, but Jyn couldn’t help the joy that flooded her heart or the smile that broke out on her face at his words.

Jyn reached up and cupped his face between her hands, bringing their foreheads close together. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” She said. “And I’m sorry that you thought it was because I didn’t want you. But, my ship still needs a captain… if you’re interested?”

Cassian looked up at her from under his lashes in a way that never failed to make her heart melt. “I think your ship already _has_ a captain…” He said softly, and for a moment Jyn stilled because she thought it meant he didn’t’ want to come with her. “But if you need a second-in-command; I’m yours.”

She kissed him then; because she was happy, because she was relieved, because loved him, because he had chosen her.

“What about the Rebellion?” Jyn asked, when they pulled apart.

“Fuck the Rebellion.” Cassian growled, pulling her closer yet again. “I gave the Rebellion my whole life, now it’s time for me to _live_ it.”

He spent the rest of the night proving to her just how foolish she had been to doubt him, and handed in his letter of resignation the next day.

 

* * *

 

8 ABY, outskirts of Mos Eisley, Tatooine

The sound of soft footsteps in the sand behind her finally gets Jyn to turn away from the stars, and she smiles softly to see Cassian approaching her from the small farmstead that they’ve commandeered for the evening.

After patching up her leg, Cassian and Baze had pulled together a culinary miracle and made them a meal that actually tasted decent for once. After dinner, the night had descended into the lull of passing a bottle of Corellian whiskey around that Baze had pulled from _somewhere_ , as Chirrut sang and the rest of them played a few hands of cards. It was the very picture of an ideal evening for the crew of Serenity, and a warm feeling had suffused Jyn’s chest as she looked around the room taking everyone in. She didn’t think that feeling was _entirely_  because of the whisky.

Jyn snuck out to stargaze when Baze and Chirrut decided to turn in, leaving Bodhi and Cassian to trade barbs with K-2.

Not long after leaving the Rebellion, Jyn had stumbled across a deactivated Imperial tactical droid which Cassian had painstakingly reprogrammed and then uploaded with one of K-2’s backup servers. The crew now fondly referred to this new model with K's acerbic personality as K-2.0.

Apparently Bodhi had turned in for the night now too, which probably prompted Cassian to wander outside and see just where Jyn had gotten to.

“Hey.” Jyn says, patting the sand to indicate that Cassian should sit next to her as he drew closer.

“Hey.” He replies, complying with her request.

Once he’s settled, Jyn leans into him and his arm goes around her shoulders pulling her close. Tatooine was oppressively hot during the day, baking under twin suns. But at night the desert temperatures drop to just shy of uncomfortably cool. Jyn had been sitting out here for a while now, and so is thankful for the added body heat that Cassian lends.

“How are you feeling?” He asks after they’ve sat quietly together for a few moments, just enjoying each other’s company.

Jyn hums in reply. “Good.” She says, “Today was a good day.”

A pause.

“… Jyn, you got _shot._ ” Cassian says, matter-of-factly.

She shrugs. “Wasn’t the first time, and it won’t be the last.”

Cassian can only sigh in response. “I swear, you take pleasure in making me worry…” He mutters, shifting so that he can pull Jyn back against his chest and wrap both arms around her as if protecting her from further harm.

Jyn smiles. She’d be lying if she said it’s wasn’t at least partially true. Cassian worrying about her meant that he cared about her. Even after nearly a decade together, it still felt like a novelty for Jyn; having someone who gave a damn, having someone who still wanted to sleep next to her at the end of the day after almost getting them both killed.

“So what made it such a good day?” Cassian finally asks.

“We got paid. We’re still together. And we’re still flying…”

“That’s not much.” Cassian says, looking down at her.

Jyn leans her head back to meet his eyes, and she can see a myriad of emotions swimming behind them. She sees a little bit of guilt; perhaps at the idea that he can’t offer her more than this, but above all else, she sees love.

“It’s enough.” She says with complete certainty.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you thought! Every single kudos and comment (no matter how short) is appreciated!


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